001. the morning after…

… a 16 hour shift. I awaken at noon to my feet aching. Should I go back to sleep? I roll over and feel each pain in my neck, my back, my arms, my legs.

I remember back to my patients yesterday. The woman who told me she was becoming depressed. She was ready to go home, but her platelet count was dangerously low. So I suggested we walked for a change of scenery. We found a spot to sit and feel the sun coming through the window. I closed my eyes and soaked it in. I peeked over and saw her doing the same.

I think if I could find beautiful moments like this in the midst of my job I might be happier in my life. If I could somehow find an inner smile while I’m cleaning stool, holding back hair, reading the cardiac monitor while pushing meds.

An experienced nurse told me that every drive home, I should think of the successful aspects of my day, rather than the things I forgot or did poorly. SO I think that’s what this space is for. I’m not great at getting all of my scrambled thoughts out by speaking, even to my favorite people. So I will try by typing. I will focus on the good, although sometimes the bad needs to be mentioned so that we might be more thankful for the good. Also, I will focus on my days off, so that I can better care for my patients. I know that I must care for my patients, and for myself.

I sit here drinking my coconut milk coffee, wrapped in a blanket, with a brain that probably looks like this poster (found this on Pinterest and it spoke to me): 80bbc0098241a384d740efc0b511da65http://www.criatives.com.br/2012/08/33427/

I hope that in this space, some of that brain-color can splash onto the page and the people who love me can understand my thoughts better!